


why don't you hate me?

by LostFaces



Series: Post Watford Adventures [1]
Category: Carry On - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Angst, Angst and Fluff, Angst with a Happy Ending, Happy Ending, Hugging, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Panic Attacks, fight, flash backs, sad thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-12
Updated: 2017-08-12
Packaged: 2018-12-14 08:34:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 499
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11779383
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LostFaces/pseuds/LostFaces
Summary: "I can hear the birds chirping, I can, but I can’t see them. Everything is dark.Where am I? Where the fuck am I?"





	why don't you hate me?

**Author's Note:**

> aye, I haven't written in a while, and I did an a03 cleanup, so it feels nice to write again, it may be rough and not flow well.

**Baz**

I can hear the birds chirping, I can, but I can’t see them. Everything is dark.

Where am I?  _ Where the fuck am I? _

Was it all a dream, was Simon just a dream. 

I can’t breathe, the world is spinning. 

The tears are slipping down my face.

“Baz, Baz, BAZ!” I can hear Simon calling, why can’t I see him, where is he?

Next thing I know, Simon is holding my shaking body. “Shhh, Baz, you’re safe. It’s alright, love.” I hum in response as he keeps whispering little nothing into my ears, comforting me from the nothing that terrorizes me when the sun goes away. 

We could’ve been lying there for five minutes or an hour, but I don’t care about that. Time isn’t real right now. Right here; in Simon’s arms, where those  _ bloody  _ numpties can’t get me. 

The rest of the world falls away and It’s only us.

 

Simon is the first to break the silence: “Basil-” he whispers in his soft caring voice, “-do you want to talk about it?” 

I don’t know how to tell him what’s happening, what it felt like. How do you explain to someone that it feels like you’re drowning, and you can see the surface and the sun, and everything you need but you just can get to it? 

“Simon, I thought I was  _ there _ again…” 

“And, it was so scary, and, and, -” I’m breaking out in sobs again.

Of course Simon has to be this perfect, bloody, idiot who will just hold me and not question me being this mess that I am. And we just lay there

* * *

I love him, I really do, but I can't be held by him right now. It’s too tight, too much I need space, I need air, I need blood.

“Simon will you get off me!” I snap at him, I don’t mean to. And he just does, he lets me go. 

He looks at me like I didn’t just yell at him, like this is a normal moment. 

“Respond! Do  _ something _ ! Why don’t you hate me!?” He won’t do anything. 

I storm out the front door, waiting for him to run after me, he never does.

 

**Simon**

I get it, I really do. I have nightmares, and panic attacks. I get the feeling of needing space or needing no space at all. I understand how quickly that changes sometimes. 

 

Baz walks in the door about an hour and a half after everything. He must’ve just fed because some color returns to his cheeks.

“Baz, is it okay if I hug you?” I ask him in my most gentle tone. 

“Snow, I am not a wild horse, don’t patronize me.” This is good. He is being snarky, but I can still hear his playfulness in his voice.

Without thinking, ‘ _ like usual,’  _ I can hear him snarking at me, I throw myself at him and give him a hug.

 

I reach up and kiss his forehead, 

“Basilton, I love you.”

**Author's Note:**

> did you spot that Dear Evan Hansen reference???  
> so I am making this a mini series titled: Post Watford Adventures  
> like and comment, or don't.


End file.
